There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
