This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
