i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
