Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
