Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
