How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
