my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
