When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
