You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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