guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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