you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
