I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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