real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
