here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
