you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
