On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
