not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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