True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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