When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
