Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
