Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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