i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Randomize
