I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
