shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
