Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
