he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
