everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
