I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
