...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
