were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
