She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
