I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
