and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
