I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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