Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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