My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
