any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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