I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
