he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
