Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
