My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
