I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
