my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
