he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
