Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
His hands were made for my vagina.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
