I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
