Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We got so high we made milksteak
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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