Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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