Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
