i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
